The Real NU Heroes

Pretentious ERC Barista

It’s bad enough he has to serve you a cup of coffee, Mr. Mainstream. If you somehow don’t know you’re not hip, in spite of your utter lack of Pixies albums and nose rings, compounded with your button-up shirt and “corporate” “job,” he’ll gladly remind you. Sure, you can have your triple nonfat chai caramelnilla lattecino with a loogie on top. He’ll just name-drop indie rock bands to remind you how lame you are. And don’t think for a second he didn’t notice that Starbucks card in your pocket. Thanks to his elitism, we salute the Pretentious ERC Barista.

Krentzman Krentz

Reliable as the sun rising in the east, the Krentzman Krentz spends his days in Krentzman Quadrangle, incessantly krentzing. Ignoring jeers like “Way to krentz, Krentzman Krentzman Krentz keeps on krentzing to his krentzy heart’s delight. We salute the Krentzman Krentz, for his tenacious krentzing.

Forsythe Street Sniper

The walk from Ruggles to your next class, for the commuter, can be boring. Really, despite all the people at chicken Lou’s, Forsythe is a drab street in which you can’t even get any exercise. That is, of course, until the first shots ring out. No, these aren’t from Ruggles, but the top of some building. Damn, this guy is good, you can’t even see him in the urban jungle. You get to burn the calories from your dinning hall poop meal right away, as you zig and zag, because, from the movies, you know snipers can’t hit a moving zig zagger. WRONG, like I said before, this guy is good; damn good. 8 zig zagging fools go down within enough time that you look at the grassy knoll thinking there is a second shooter. THERE’S NOT JACK, the forsythe street sniper works alone, and the fact that you make it to Ryder at all is dependent on how much ammo he has, you lucky ass.

This is a true NU hero, I thank you, Forsythe Street Sniper, for weeding out the weak, and killing people who think running like a Gazelle is defense from a bullet, a perfectly aimed bullet. We must all thank the Forsyth Street Sniper.

Cathy

You know that girl in your English class? The brunette? Usually sits by the door? Yeah, that’s Cathy, a real NU Hero. Whether it’s when you ask her to sign you in as you leave class early to catch that concert, when you see her sipping something at the café and know you’ve seen here somewhere before, or when you’re chatting with your bud and he mention hooking up with some brunette chick whose name begins with a C or K and is an English major, Cathy is an integral part of your life at NU, even if you can’t remember her name (it’s Cathleen. Cathy for short.) We salute Cathy, for her utter lack of defining characteristics, as a real NU hero.

Persistent Burger King Panhandler

The day is bright and sun shinny and you have a hankering for a whopper jr. and chicken fries. So you gather your pals together along with all your spare change and head out in an epic walk to the glorious land of Burger King. Not unlike other kingdoms though, this one is not without its rabble. As you approach you get your first hint that burger kings is not the only one that wants your money. In the distance you hear the distinct and docile tones of a harmonic blasting away at what could be a happy tune or a self-loathing hoedown. That’s when you notice him, a down fallen individual with years of wisdom behind those tired smiling eyes. He’s dancing away with a cup full of change he’s using as a tambourine and playing, always playing, the harmonica. The gentleman by now has noticed your group of chums and has fixed his sights upon your pockets, full and jangling with a wealth of quarters and nickels. You try not to make eye contact, but his gaze is inescapable. You grudgingly give your change to this noble street bard and settle for a whopper jr. when you get inside.

For his unshakable spirit, and because he didn’t pull a knife on you(at least not all the time), we salute the Persistent Burger King Panhandler as a real NU hero.

by TNR Staff