NORTHEASTERN UNIVERSITY STUDENT GOVERNMENT ASSOCIATION

Politics at Northeastern? Yeah, we’ve got ‘em. The TNR decided to do some investigative journalism. TNR reporters sat down with two former SGA presidents, Bill Durkin and Ashley Adams, to ask them hard-hitting questions about all the relevant political issues going down on the third floor of the Student Center (dear non-voting public: that’s where the SGA offices are). What we unearthed is on the level of All the President’s Men. Read on…

TNR: So, what would your campaign slogan be, Ashley?

AA: Uh. Development is key?

BD: Yeah, but that says to me we need more, uh, dishwashers and central air. Development is pretty ambiguous, actually. Collegeocrats, we’re talking about subsidizing books, more financial aid, uh, and what else … freedom of speech. Universitarians…

AA: We invented speech. I see them (Universitarians) as being more focused towards the large picture of everything, making everything more productive and peaceful.

BD: Whatever … they don’t have a plan.
AA: We must have a plan. We control most of the campus. Like ¾ of the campus.

TNR: They’re extremely well organized.

AA: Like, one eighth is Columbus Ave. and the rest is mostly Universitarian.

BD: I don’t think any party can say they own Columbus Ave.

AA: No one’s trying to.

TNR: You think everyone belongs in your party. You’re a big-tent party, if you will?

BD: I’d say the Collegeocrats are the big-tent party.

TNR: Alright. If you had to filibuster an unpopular bill, what would you talk about: ham sandwiches, condiments, or oak finishes?

AA: I don’t think I know enough about (oak finishes). I think I’d talk about condiments.

TNR: What would you say, then, about condiments, if you had to talk about condiments to filibuster a bill you opposed?

AA: The combinations with which people put them in their food.

TNR: So, you would spend the student body’s time and money, on the Senate floor, talking about condiments?

AA: Well, the other option was talking about ham sandwiches.

BD: I think a good filibuster would be discussing different co-op jobs.

AA: But you only had three options. If I could pick my own option, I would not have chosen ham sandwiches or condiments.

TNR: Maybe he had a co-op job which had something to do with ham sandwiches.

BD: I’m sure there are co-ops out there that deal with those.

TNR: How do you feel about alternative energy sources? For example, what if we could use the thrust of the Frisbees thrown in Centennial Common as a power source?

AA: It’d be very unreliable.

BD: Yeah, if we could somehow harness the wind generated by those discs, I would endorse that.

TNR: But what about all the vegetable oil employees you’d put out of work? How do you answer to that?

BD: What?

TNR: All of the vegetable oil refinery employees that would be put out of work.

BD: Well … they don’t go to Northeastern.

TNR: What about the sun? Solar panels?

BD: Well, we do have solar power in the Student Center.

TNR: Yeah, but that’s not an alternative. That’s what we have.

BD: So you want to tear down all the solar panels we have…

AA: …and use the Frisbees?

BD: Burn the solar panels for fuel.

TNR: If there were political action committees on campus, what would they be? For example, Big Wendy’s? The Freshman Quad Coalition? The West Village Alliance for a Better NU? Which one are you beholden to?

BD: Hmm. The Kerr Hall Explosion Veterans for Truth.

TNR: You don’t think the Freshman Quad Coalition would have any sway with the Universitarians or Collegeocrats?

BD: Um, I’d say that you’re not finding too many special interests over there. If there were some kind of a freshman voting bloc you could really push all kinds of things, like lowering the drinking age. They might have some clout.

AA: I don’t think you could get them united enough to join a coalition. You’d have to unite Stetson East and West.

BD: That’s a typical Universitarian attitude.

TNR: What about those carry-out coffee cups (in the dining halls)? They always burned my hands.

AA: But the coffee (in the dining halls) is disgusting. That is a Universitarian thing – you bring up a problem, we go one step further.

TNR: How do you stand on the following pork barrel items recently passed by the SGA Senate: a compass for students entering Lake/Meserve/Nightingale/Holmes? Is that really necessary?

BD: I agree, spending is totally out of control. We Collegeocrats will return us to a balanced budget, investing in our futures. The out-of-control, Universitarian-run student senate, supposedly a party of fiscal discipline, (with) these kinds of bridges to nowhere, free-compasses projects…

AA: If our constituents are having issues finding their way around, we need to assure they can get the education they deserve. They will repay us down the line.

BD: You’re caving in to the special interest of arts and science students.

TNR: So who do I blame for when I’m in Meserve but I think I’m in Nightingale?

AA: Blame the Collegeocrats. They won’t fund your compass.

BD: The compass isn’t gonna do you a damn bit of good…

AA: Maybe if instead of E-W-N-S, if it had just M-N-H-L.

BD: I think the nuclear reactor in Nightingale would totally throw off the needle in that compass.

TNR:. What about other pork barrel items, such as the proposal to turn the tunnel system into a zoo exhibit about gophers?

AA: Will they be wearing Northeastern shirts?
TNR: That would be cute. OK. Bill, would you like to explain why you don’t believe a woman should be president?
BD: Uhh. No.

TNR: Finish this sentence: “Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke _____.”

AA: I’ve never heard the song.

TNR: I never said it was a song.

BD: Um. I don’t know the song either.

by SLS/SPO/TNR Staff