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This Week in The TNR...

1803 Jefferson pees all over Louisiana territory to claim it for USA.

American president Thomas Jefferson spent most of his second term taking a whiz all over a huge swath of land from Louisiana northwest to Montana, claiming it for the United States. Expansionists praised the president’s display of peeing, but the odor was so horrendous ambassador James Monroe, who watched the yellow spectacle with his colleague Robert Livingston, vowed to write a doctrine one day to get the stench out of the Midwest.

1950 Siberia renamed “Super Happy Dissenting DemocratLand, featuring the Russian Rattler, the world’s tallest roller coaster made entirely of human bone.”

Soviet Premier Josef Stalin said he believed the name change would end long-held “misconceptions” about Siberia. “Some people in the west seem to think we have ‘gulags’ in Siberia,” Stalin said. “It’s not true. Siberia’s a great place. We treasure dissent so much here in Russia that we take our dissenters off to treat them like royalty.” The roller coaster is Siberia’s latest attraction, but not its only one. “We also have a theme park called ‘Communist) World,’” Stalin said. “Be careful, though! The first two rows are ‘splash seats,’ so if you don’t want to get splashed with the blood of filthy capitalists, you should sit farther back.”

1991 Kurt Cobain gets famous, turns 14.

Rock star Kurt Cobain celebrated his fourteenth birthday at a sold-out concert in Los Angeles. While hordes of flannel-clad fans cheered him and sang the words to his hit “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” Cobain whined about all the attention. “If they sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me, I’ll quit. It’ll be the worst day of my life,” Cobain said. “It’d be even more embarrassing than the time my mom made me wear that collared shirt to the Black Flag concert.” He then began to sniff glue.

1944 Tourist boat lands on French shores at tragically wrong time.

A Swedish tourist boat visited the shores of Normandy on a beautiful June day and were shocked when they were met with Nazi gunfire. “What? What the hell is going on in Europe these days?” asked Swedish philanthropist Sven Svenson. “It’s like a war or something!” The Nazis stopped firing when they saw the blazing blondeness of the tourists’ hair, but it still ruined the tour for many of the vacationers. “I’ll never take that cruise again,” said Svenson, “even if the government does pay for it.”

-TNR Staff

The Northeastern Times New Roman is a satirical student publication. Any references to people living or dead are purely coincidental except in the cases where a public figure is mentioned. The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the Northeastern Times New Roman or those of Northeastern University. The Northeastern Times New Roman is not meant for readers under the age of 18.

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