 |
|
Mile High Shopping Club
www.milehighshoppingclub.com
|
Enough with plain old cheating. This Game Genie actually makes your hands
move faster. No more entering long codes — the Game Genie Advanced
enters codes into you. It’s not very comfortable, but it will make
you very good at video games.
Combo package delivered in a lamp. Add $9.99.
GGNU99998.......$21.99
GGNU99999.......$31.98
Buy Your Own Pulitzer Prize Nomination
Thinking of writing your first big memoir? Is your Goth poetry not getting
the credit it deserves? Does your high school lit mag not see your genius?
Just think about what a Pulitzer Prize would do for your career! When
people see your book, they’ll say, “You should read it. It
was nominated for the Pulitzer.” Sure, you’ll be a longshot,
but you have to be nominated to win!
You must supply your own tuxedo and plane tickets to Sweden for the ceremony,
where you will not be greeted, serenaded, fellated, or spoken to by the
Swedish bikini team. Even that slut Inga. Okay, maybe that slut Inga.
PLTZ29489148.......$27.99
Thomas Kinkade’s Industrial New Jersey
From the artist’s “Industrial Revolution,” before Kinkade
had seen his first French countryside. Not nearly as well known as his
“Accidentally Got Too Much Green Oil Period,” but it’s
a priceless piece for the Kinkade collector.
NJRTCRP8479.......$199.99
This piece of art is very nice. It was painted on a canvas, with oils.
It looks great. You can hang it on your wall in a frame, and people will
think you’re more cultured. This perfectly painted piece really
“comes alive” when experienced in person and is a must buy
for any collector.
The artist’s name is written in the corner. It is not framed.
MRDVD1000AD.......$499.99
Tie with Kittens/Hipppos on it!
You’ve never seen anything like this yet! Our top-selling product,
it’s made of koala skin and Faberge chicken meat. Winner of the
2002 Peabody Award, the 2002 Gulliver’s Choice Awards, and the 2003
American League Most Improved Tie Award. A whopping $10 of the proceeds
will go toward the World Wildlife Foundation (Grizzly Bear Chapter).
KTNHPO74569......$249.99
”Make me a sandwich, motherfucker!”
It’s just like a fondue maker, only the lid’s taped on, so
you can’t dip shit.
CKITNW101.......$79.99
USB Flash Drive with the Congressional with the Congressional Record Pre-Installed
We at the TNR Mile High Shopping Club can’t get enough of aqueduct
rezoning. If you can’t either, or you’re still angry about
that 1989 bill that included $32,000 for a new bridge over a pond in rural
North Dakota, this is for you! Buy now and get free access to the Washington
Monument porn site!
CPTBLDGUSB...$89.99
Frozen Yogurt Cappuccino Machine
A common question about this machine is “does it make frozen yogurt
and cappuccino, or does it make frozen yogurt-flavored cappuccino?”
Or “is it a cappuccino machine that makes frozen yogurt, or a cappuccino
machine composed of frozen yogurt?” Or even “what is frozen
yogurt anyway?”
The answer is yes.
ICCFEE14790.......$129.99
Pony Cover Leather/Pleather Blend
Are you tired of the issues that come with an uncovered pony? This will
solve them all. As a side benefit, the Mile High Shopping Club’s
Pony Cover can be tossed on anything that resembles a pony at all, so
you can buy time while you search eBay for a real pony for your daughter.
USLSSCRP29748672447.......$37.99
Just keep telling yourself you’re getting better! Also helps if
you’re skeptical of whether the medicines you use actually work.
They’ll be no illusion if your drugs work now — they’re
sugar pills, of course they work! Also great for diabetics.
Generic name-brand sugar pills (great deal) just $97.99
HIGRDPLLS12847094.......$99.99
GNRCPLLS12847094.......$97.99
From the makers of “Funyon Juicer.” Are you tired of having
chunks in your onion juice? Are there too many chunks in your onion juice?
Gag no more!
USLSSCRP29748672447.......$199.99
Swiss Army Knife with a Tennis Racket, Toothbrush, Paintbrush and Tennis
Ball
Licensed and tested by Don Mattingly.
DONCLTBL004...$29.99
The Devastator! is the Mile High Shopping Club’s only (at least
since the 1995 Supreme Court case Millstone v. Michigan) Don Mattingly
basketball-shaped sex toy that’s the size of a regulation basketball!
DONCLTBL003.......$49.99
It’s Blue
DONCLTBL002.......$19.99
Constitution Signed by Don Mattingly
Don Mattingly’s second favorite amendment is Prohibition. His favorite
is the repeal of Prohibition. He also likes the 24th Amendment because
Don Mattingly hates presidents who serve more than two terms. He hit home
runs at FDR’s grave.
DONCLTBL001.......$39.99
Don Mattingly vs. Wade Boggs Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots
With detachable moustaches! Don Mattingly wins every time, because Wade
Boggs’ arms are “D” batteries. Batteries not included.
DONCLTBL005...$27.99
Allow the ants to build their own utopia (through representative democracy,
of course). All male land owning ants have the vote. Remember that you
still have the power to squash them with your totalitarian fist.
Bicameral legislature for just an extra $14.99!
ANTJSTC34780947.......$59.99
ANTJSTC34780948.......$74.98
The TNR Mile High Shopping Club Mirror is actually just a life-sized portrait
of Abraham Lincoln, which you will refer to as a mirror. Experience greatness
every morning, right before you head off to your job as a file clerk.
“Congratulations!”
HONABE1845...... $29.99
For the true socialite who needs that first puff of non-addictive tobacco
seconds after they wake up. Includes indigo backlighting. Now in army
and navy time to confuse your Marine friends! Includes both AM and FM
radio!
CSTRCLCK4908740.......$59.99
Never fear dog attacks again! Effective on all types of dogs from up to
50 feet!
Warning: Do not use on humans.
PCCHBGNE0972750.......$99.99
How many francs do you owe to Pierre? Are you tired of seven-day weeks?
How many kilograms and centidays until the big presentation? If these
are questions you find yourself asking, you need the TNR Metric Calendar!
As a side bonus, you’ll live the same amount of time, but Europeans
will understand you more.
*Does not speed up time.
*Might speed up time a bit.
PWRSTN1000.......$7.99
Clarissa Literally Explains It All Encyclopedia Set
What’s that climbing through your window? Knowledge! Melissa Joan
Hart breaks down everything from geniuses to phyllums to geniuses to Singaporean
phyllums. Once this line gets canceled, look for an insightful talking
cat to tell you facts about European capitals.
MLJH1990S $99.99
-TNR Staff
The Northeastern Times New Roman is a satirical student publication. Any references to people living or dead are purely coincidental except in the cases where a public figure is mentioned. The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the Northeastern Times New Roman or those of Northeastern University. The Northeastern Times New Roman is not meant for readers under the age of 18.
 |
| Top News Stories | ||
| Kiefer Sutherland is...Tommy Maddox XFL MVP |
|
PREVIOUSLY IN TNR...
|
| What you are about to read is real. No joke. The words that follow were scrawled all over a box of heart-shaped donuts (pictured below) and discovered in the trash on Valentine’s day by a TNR staffer. The a few names were changed but any errors were left unedited. If this letter belongs to you or you know to whom it belongs please contact us at tears_smudge@nutnr.com and we’d be more than happy to return this epic monologue to its rightful owner. Otherwise, enjoy and bask in the cruel humor that is love. |
| Mile high shopping club | ||
Buy
Your Own Pulitzer Prize Nomination
Thomas
Kinkade's Industrial New Jersey
Tie
with Kittens/Hipppos on it!
USB
Flash Drive with the Congressional
Frozen
Yogurt Cappuccino Machine
Constitution
Signed by Don Mattingly
Don
Mattingly vs. Wade Boggs Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots
Clarissa
Literally Explains It All Encyclopedia Set
| Other Features | ||
How-To:
You're Not a Real Doctor (Comic)
