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• For you pansies who forgot, the Xtreme Football League was created in 2001 by Vince McMahon.
• A tidal wave of talent poured in from powerhouses like the AFL, the CFL, and the recently paroled. But above all those rising stars, one man stood tall: Tommy Maddox, quarterback for the Los Angeles Xtreme, a king among kings.
• Maddox was voted Most Valuable Player in every year of the league’s existence! Who else can say that? Not Jerry Rice, not Michael Jordan, not even the Macho Man,
Randy Savage.
• In what should’ve been a routine play, Tennessee linebacker Keith Bullock came crashing into Maddox. He went down hard, landing on his neck. Maddox did not get up.
• To even the most hardened veteran, paralysis usually means the end of a career. For Maddox, it meant a week off from practice.
• He led Pittsburgh to a playoff game with the Titans, the same scum bags who tried to kill him. He rallied his team from a huge deficit to send the game to OT. He stared down a nervous Titans kicker to the very end.
• The kicker missed, giving Maddox what seemed to be another chance to take the field with Xtreme domination. But the refs called a bogus roughing the kicker call — a penalty that didn’t even EXIST in the XFL — to take the game away
from Maddox.
• Not even a horrible spinal injury could stop Tommy Maddox. In the end, the world had to cheat in order to beat him.

EXTREMETOWN— Tommy Maddox, XFL MVP and Earth’s greatest human, watches coldly from deep in the locker room of Ford Field as former Super Bowl MVPs are introduced one-by-one before the game. It takes forever. A parade of former XFL MVPs would’ve been done in no time!
Maddox knows he could take any of them in a fist fight... even Ray Lewis ... and especially Tom Brady. He imagines himself simultaneously kicking off John Elway’s lumpy, sagging head and ripping out (and then eating) Mark Rypien’s kidneys.
But this is no time for self-indulgent, though supremely righteous anger. His teammates, led by that fat fuck Bettis, now make their way into the field to play in the second most glorious championship game in all sports, the Super Bowl.
Though his team is clearly not as Xtreme as could be hoped for — all NFL teams are, in comparison to their XFL counterparts, as soft as the Pillsbury Doughboy’s vestigial penis — he cannot help but feel an affinity for his teammates, like a king for his vassals, a mix of pity and gratitude for the mindless toil they do to keep him in his comfortable position of power.
They girlishly prance about as he marches across the field with determined, manly strides. Ahead of him, smirking like a little boy behind his unkempt beard, is the upstart kid who will keep him from achieving his deserved glory on the playing field. Ben. Dudes named Ben generally suck. The kid is no exception. Nonetheless, he will be getting all the glory in this Super Bowl, though Tommy knows that only an XFL MVP could possibly win it for them.
Their opponent, the Seattle Seahawks, had already proved themselves a worthy adversary by routing the Carolina Panthers. While to most of the ignorant masses it did not seem so great a feat, Maddox knew only too well how difficult it is to hand defeat to the Earth’s second-greatest human, “He Hate Me.”
The game starts off slowly, but it is evident that the Seahawks have the upper hand with Maddox idling on the sidelines. Mr.. Xtreme needs to take action. He switches uniforms with third-string tight end Marco Battaglia (who would notice him missing?) and stands him next to Coach Bill Cowher for cover when the cameras go by. Then, wearing the unassuming #47 of a Rutgers graduate and career bench warmer, Tommy Maddox goes rogue.
In five minutes, Maddox subdues the referee under a dog pile, punches him, and threatens to cut off his balls with a knife fashioned out of part of his football hat. Fearing for his pitiful life, the ref throws as many ludicrous flags as possible and gives the game to the Steelers.
Huh, you thought you’d be getting more action after that build-up? This is just football, you dicks. Tommy Maddox has already proved his greatness in football! He hardly needs to lift a pinkie to win a pussy-ass Super Bowl.
Thus, Maddox walks off the field as his teammates hoist the Lamebardi Trophy over their heads. Even his role as Ben’s backup has been given to Charlie Batch. What purpose he serves for the team now in football terms is vague. With that in mind, Tommy Maddox disappears into the wilderness of America, to wrestle bears and eat rocks. Whether he will return, to grace us once again with the glory of how great man can be, no one can know.

-Trevor Crippen

The Northeastern Times New Roman is a satirical student publication. Any references to people living or dead are purely coincidental except in the cases where a public figure is mentioned. The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the Northeastern Times New Roman or those of Northeastern University. The Northeastern Times New Roman is not meant for readers under the age of 18.

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PREVIOUSLY IN TNR...

For you pansies who forgot, the Xtreme Football Leaugue was created in 2001 by Vince McMahon.

A tidal wave of talent poured in from powerhouses like the AFL, the CFL, and the recently paroled. But above all those rising stars, one man stood tall: Tommy Maddox, quarterback for the Los Angeles Xtreme, a king among kings.

Please Reclaim Your Love Letter

What you are about to read is real. No joke. The words that follow were scrawled all over a box of heart-shaped donuts (pictured below) and discovered in the trash on Valentine’s day by a TNR staffer. The a few names were changed but any errors were left unedited. If this letter belongs to you or you know to whom it belongs please contact us at tears_smudge@nutnr.com and we’d be more than happy to return this epic monologue to its rightful owner. Otherwise, enjoy and bask in the cruel humor that is love.