NU Times New Roman

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Please Reclaim Your Love Letter

What you are about to read is real. No joke. The words that follow were scrawled all over a box of heart-shaped donuts (pictured below) and discovered in the trash on Valentine’s day by a TNR staffer. The a few names were changed but any errors were left unedited. If this letter belongs to you or you know to whom it belongs please contact us at tears_smudge@nutnr.com and we’d be more than happy to return this epic monologue to its rightful owner. Otherwise, enjoy and bask in the cruel humor that is love.

Dear Girl,
  I hope your Saturday night is going well. Theres so much I have rushing through my mind that I want to tell you. I guess I should probably start with the fact that I am writing you on the package which contained the comfort food that I felt I had to consume whilst I was unable to talk to you. I mean look at this thing, could it BE anymore comfort foodish? It’s pink, its got a heart on it... anyway IDK I thought it was funny.
  The second thing I want to tell you is that this is not a break up letter/letter that I’m writing with the intention of making you feel bad/see how sad you made me. I’m just writing this because I want to talk to you and I can’t.
  Ok, now to the nitty gritty of what I’m feeling. (I better start writing faster for I am running out of box). (That used a lot of box) – AH!... Anyway: I want to say that I’m really sorry its taking me so long to come up with an answer... its not that I don’t love you (you obviously know I do...) – well that was a bad choice of words – but yeah – you know that if we were in the same state I would want to spend every waking second with you – and even though we’re not I still want too... but (you were waiting for that) – a long distance relationship is work and I have to do more for you no matter what. I’m not saying that if we stay together I’ll be able to visit you (we both know I won’t) but I’ll have to do other than that I have to trust you... and be committed to you without the subcondus notion of dating (“experiencing” other people in my subconscious... I think that that would be the hardest part...) is that terrible to say? Does it make me worse that your last douche of a boyfriend? I think it does. (you know it does too). I doesn’t have anything to do with replacing you ... That’s the thing; I could never envision a girl better than you, but still for some reason I feel like I have to “put myself out there.” It sounds so incredibly stupid and quite sincerely, if you asked me why I would risk something so good for absolutely nothing I couldn’t give you a reason. It seems so stupid... I’m sorry I feel like this. I never thought Prude Dan would be the one to question the whole relationship because he can’t stay together unless he gets a taste of what else is out there. I’m so sorry. It sounds so irrational. I don’t know; Even Burger had a few girlfriends b4 he got into a long distance relationship, and Daniello had a long distance boyfriend b4 Burger. I think that’s how they make it look so easy. That doesn’t even make sense. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just nervous because I don’t want to be the ignorant innocent boy whos getting corrupted and taken for a ride like everyone says I am. (which I don’t believe I am) (and that sounds absolutely retarded even now) I think you’re right. I ned to get this out of my system even though that means that I need to leave you or maybe I can just get this out of my system myself by remembering how you complete my world like no cheesy/jappy/stuck up girl who doesn’t even know me ever could keep me company here. Or maybe you’ll never remember me... song still in head. Promise me that we’ll remember each other, no matter what has happened by the time this gets to you. I realized you’re an individual and you don’t need me, but I’m very far from not needing you – not for you to wait or anything – and I don’t know how or why I could put you in such a position... I don’t know I hope you can read this. Sorry about the tears, they smudge...
  I love you so much that I’m not sure why on earth I’m letting this happen – but maybe I’ve helped to explain/ramble through it a little – again – I love you

-Boy

The Northeastern Times New Roman is a satirical student publication. Any references to people living or dead are purely coincidental except in the cases where a public figure is mentioned. The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the Northeastern Times New Roman or those of Northeastern University. The Northeastern Times New Roman is not meant for readers under the age of 18.

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Please Reclaim Your Love Letter